I feel like there is so much going forward in parts if my life and not nearly enough in others.
At school, I am already dreading giving up a week in July for AP conference . . . If I get a spot that is. I am wondering if I can manage the Grand Lake Cousin gathering and AP and this alignment thing Katrina has started. Part of me says the alignment is more important. Part of me says, these are cousins you have seen twice for a space of an hour in five years - we have a chance for a non funeral gathering and I love that. I was looking at my cousin's pinterest page and I just thought, wow, she has so much grown up stuff on her page. How is it that my house still looks like a college kid lives here, and Chelsea seems to have fallen out of Sotuhern Living? This makes me wonder if I know my family so little, that I have so little in common with them any more, that there isn't a point.
But I am also looking forward to learning more, doing more with AP, growing more as a teacher. This year was a major growth year for me as a teacher, though I still see areas where there was not enough improvement. But instead of school, I really want to be spending my time working on the place, building green houses, working toward a farm. It will take serious money, money that isn't on the table right now. Definitely not all the forward motion I had hoped for by now. I had hoped by now we would have at least an irrigation system built and plans for cover crops in place.
In a different way, I feel like I am failing Bell that I didn't get her to play soccer this spring. She didn't fit with Girl Scouts and I had hoped soccer might be her niche for now. She just has so few good friends, none that I know well enough to sanction slumber parties and outings. On the other hand, I wonder where the time for soccer would have come from. We are trying to do speech work several times a week, work on some math skills, 20 minutes of spelling a night, reading. Oh, and don't forget about the in-laws. On weeks that Jack is gone, I usually don't slip into a quiet mode until Bell goes to bed. This is just a muddle.
We are moving forward in a positive way food wise. I have convinced Jack to try some better eating habits. I had thought to do Paleo, but after a very expensive visit to the healthfood store, it may be out of reach, at least until we get chickens. Grass fed beef was crazy high, as was butter and cheese. I expected it to be high, but it was crazy high. I may have to compromise, choosing to use non gmo flours ( l am trying almond and coconut) to bake with, using as much grass fed meats as possible, but also being realistic about money and choosing some regular meats. There is no way Bell will give up dairy so this may become better eating instead of perfect eating. I just keep thinking that there is more we could do food wise to help Jack's leg and spine heal faster. That made my cooking habits sound dreadful. They aren't - we mostly eat real food, prepared by me - but they could be better.
I think I feel a little panicky about our health and our farm because we aren't so young anymore. Jack will be 48 on Tuesday. I remember that youthful charmer turning 31. He is a better man these days, definitely a kinder, gentler man. I attribute that to Bella. But youthful? Neither of us can claim that these days. At 38, I wish I had the energy of five years ago.
I think I most look forward to spring right now. It is so warm out today. I have made trips to the clothesline in just a sweatshirt. I actually put away our gloves. I need the sunshine to improve my mood. I felt crappy all week, walking about in a Niquil haze or not breathing. I even got impatient with Rubilee. I at least saved my muttering until I was home, but I was frustrated because I usually manage to very patient with my in laws.
Today, because spring taunts me in this sunshine, I will hang clothes in the line. I will make some healthy snacks and muffins, some that I can freeze, so Jack won't be tempted by junk. I will prep a s'mores tiramisu for his birthday dessert. I will wrap a gift. I will pray about things to come, pray for wisdom in making choices, grace in knowing where to expend my energies.
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