I haven't written in months, in ages. I would love to say it is that I have been busy, but that doesn't fly because we all lead such busy, busy lives. I could tell you that I have been depressed, but that isn't really it either, at least not the sorts of depression I have lived in the past.
I have simply been in a funk that has stretched on far too long. I wasn't unhappy. I wasn't sad. I wasn't discontent per say. I was just in a mental funk. For months. Probably, a lot of factors each fed this negative spirit, but I need to be done with it and feel that I am ready to set it aside, ready to reach back in and find myself again.
This shift away from me didn't happen suddenly and I doubt it ends suddenly either. I don't even know when it began, though I am sure some of it started when I couldn't garden or clean or exercise like I wanted because of my shoulder most of the summer. Just now, is it getting better, though the bursitis/tendonitis problems are still not gone. When you give up aerobics, you gain weight. Then your clothes don't fit. Then you realize you don't have a stockpile of jars of garden produce because the garden was a bust. Then you . . . Then . . .and of course now that I am doing physical therapy for it, I am not getting home until supper time and still have no time to exercise or cook the way I want.
At work, things are good. Bell is having a better year that she has in several years. But. There is always a but. At home, Jack and I have been out of sync. Not fighting, not mad, just out of step. Bell and I have been out of sync. Maybe it is the stress that comes with being caretakers. Maybe it is Jack 's uncertain job (the oilfield is all about uncertainty). Maybe, just maybe, I am the one who has been out sync.
A few weeks ago, Jack and I left a very unwilling and unhappy child with my parents and went to Shiloh Morning Inn near Dickson. I think it was a good reset button for us. Just us, no one else. We only manage this once a year. We never, never get away even just to go see a movie. It seems we are closer to being in step since we came home, though we have had a few bad days since then. Not truly bad, not the sort where there is door slamming and shouting - just that inability to communicate that ends with someone annoyed, but most days found us back to reaching out to touch each other as we passed through a room. They found me falling asleep on Jack's shoulder, tucked into his side. This makes me sigh with relief as those gentle gestures seem to let all the stress escape like air hissing out of a punctured balloon.
We didn't manage to get that elusive picture this fall - the one that tells the world that we are still a happy family, that all is right within our household. Either it rained or blew or we had a sick kid almost every time Jack was home for the last month. I find myself not even wanting to send out cards this year. Maybe we will manage an in front of the tree picture, maybe we won't. Perhaps I don't really need to do cards. I am okay with that now though I was frustrated to tears about it just days ago. It will just be what it will be but it is not worth stress.
I needed this week off. We spent a day with Jack's family and a day with mine. I spent a day with Jack's mom in town stocking up at SAM's and Aldis. Really, something was going on every day until yesterday and today. The world is frozen, sheeted and slick with crystals. A branch the size of Bell's bedroom came down right outside her window. But it didn't hit the car a few feet away. It didn't damage the house. Jack is not on a drilling site or sliding into a ditch on a northern highway. We are home, warm with hot tea, a sparkling Christmas tree, an Elf watchful from an upper bookcase, snuggly blankets cocooning us.
I find myself wanting to sing out my thankfulness for this life I have been given. I know that we are supposed to be thankful during the holiday season as we remember our Lord's sacrifices and care for us, our families who hold us dear, but it is more than that. It is that deeper satisfaction in what we have, that deeper knowledge that we are given what we need and are to use it, to be joyful in it. And I am thankful for so many things big and small - for the gift of speech my daughter was granted that allowed her to confidently to give a speech this year, the jobs that provide for us, the warmth of my house today, my family who forgives and is patient with me. I am thankful for you my friends who are still there reading a post from a blog that seemed to have died months ago.
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