It is the last Saturday. So much in the way of what I should've done and could've done but didn't do floats around in my head, mixing with the mental stretching that comes with that first cup of coffee, mixing with the reading of education blogs telling me how to start my year.
So I have been evaluating this whole "what I accomplished this summer" thing over my coffee this morning, thinking in terms of garden, fitness, home, school. I think it is just a wash. I need a do over for sure. The garden? Well the cucs died, the greens were too bitter to eat, those peppers are the slowest to ripen. I have had plenty of tomatoes but have fought summer blight so much I am about ready to just give up. Likewise, I got very little done towards school. I love my job but I just really needed a break from all things educational or studentish. I just don't have enough oomph to care much about any of it right now. Instead, I chose to do things like strip and repaint my old desk during the last week off. It is easy work and let's the brain drift.
I may be the most frustrated with my personal body. Last fall, I went to the doctor for my yearly lady appointment. My cholesterol was a bit high which was new. Usually, all my numbers are so low, someone asks if I am actually a member of the undead. So I have been making better food choices, though they were already good ones. I have been a conscious eater for years, but I tried to trim back some foods a bit more. I got serious about it all in February. I have been losing weight, wogging and running, lifting and doing all of it for over six months now. Everyone always says, "lose weight, exercise, drink more water, eat these greens. You will look and feel great". I don't. I have spent the last few weeks simply exhausted. I just want to sleep. I am crabby. My body doesn't feel any stronger, any more limber, any fitter than it did twelve pounds and six months ago. My bursitis is flaring up. My sinuses are a mess. I have spots on my face despite my diligence in wearing a hat. Mostly, I just feel tired. I will admit that I look better. I like what I see in the mirror. I feel content, confident, often sexy. But I am too tired to do much with those positive feelings. I have tried to work in some rest time but it isn't helping. By the time I need to start supper, I am barely thinking clearly enough to chop an onion, let alone follow a recipe. By the time I get the kitchen cleaned up, it is all I can do to set the coffee pot for the morning and stumble out of the kitchen. My mother asked if I was losing weight too fast. I haven't lost an ounce in a week so I don't think that is it. She asked if I exercised too much. Less than an hour a day doesn't feel like too much. She asked if I was getting plenty of iron and taking the vitamins I am supposed to take. Yes, yes, yes.
I am sure some of this is stress. Harold and Rubilee have not been a picnic lately. I love my in laws but sometimes keeping two households, one ten year old, and two 80 somethings who act like ten year olds on an even keel is tricky. It isn't so much that I do lots of work for them. I send extra portions of our dinner up a few days a week. We check on them twice a day. We groceries shop for them and run their errands. But there lots of surprises - things like surprise company that we need to help with or the doctor appointments they failed to tell us about or just days they decide they need us as chauffeur. They often don't make good decisions so we have to deal with the consequences. Yet, they also aren't ready to give up their autonomy. I am also stressed about Jack's lack of work. I keep praying that a door will open. I am terrified of what happens when unemployment runs out soon. He has put in applications everywhere he can think of. It is always under qualified and over qualified.
So I don't know about the success of the summer. I swear, the next chipper person who asks how the summer went . . . I may be too tired to answer.
Let me say that I am not depressed. I had my best run ever yesterday. I am excited to start some new things at school and have a new batch of great kids. Things are more than okay with Jack and me on a personal level - who knew that being middle aged and married would be so much fun? I am just so damned tired.
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