Graceful Living

I am purely exhausted this morning.  I need sleep in the worst way - elusive is far too gentle a word to describe my connection to sleep the past several days.  I should be out running on this gloriously cool morning but I sit here with coffee.  Now I will have a bit for coffee and running don't have a good relationship for me.

I am neither in the mood nor do I have liberty to address the stress that I think is driving away my sleep and inviting ludicrous anxiety ridden dreams.  Instead, I would rather think of strength and grace in the face of adversity.  Some people, by bent of temperament, just seem to have more natural calm and poise than others, joy that daily defines their interactions with the world, quiet strength that marks their struggles.  Perhaps some is termperment.  Perhaps some is something they cultivate, choosing mindfully each day.  Perhaps some is given by God, a blessing for their faith.

This year, I have more students with learning disabilities than any year since I taught classes dedicated to remedial English. Students with these hurdles are like all other students - they deserve an education and they should be held accountable for learning in a manner aappropriate for their particular needs and abilities.  At the same, just like any other student, they can be likeable and a joy or students I have to work to simply tolerate. Eager, class clowns, surly, conscientious, lazy, creative, disorganized. What ever label can be found for a "regular" student can be found for a special needs student. One child in particular makes me think of Flowers for Algernon.  I wonder is this student knows the difficulties and limitations that are reality.  Every morning, I am greeted with enthusiasm and a smile.  If we bump into each other during they day, this child seems genuinely happy to see me and every one else, for that matter.  What ever we talk about during class - grammar, lit, whatever - that hand is up volunteering answers and asking questions with more eagerness than I see the entire rest of the day.  Where does this well of positivity spring from?  Does she know that she likely won't have the same opportunities as others for education and careers?  Does she know how much she faces?  I am in awe.  I want to yell a bit at everyone else and say, "look how much she does with so little."

I have an adult friend who generates a similar response in me.  To be sure, she has many blessings, but she also deals with some very serious health issues that limit her ability to go and do.  I know life and future are always uncertainties for all of us, but short of miracles in medical advances or divine healing, it seems certain that her health issues are not going away and will likely worsen.  Some people are stoic and closed off in the face of such things, but this friend just keeps working, momming, friending, walking in all her roles of life full of grace and kindness.  There are no complaints.  She admits concerns and difficulties, but seems to let living her life rather than living in fear and worry dictate her actions and attitude.  I inwardly yell at me, saying "look at what she does despite so much burden."

I am tired.  I have not slept enough in three days to equal one good night. I am concerned about so many things, fretting about things I can only pray about rather than actively take on myself.  I need to dig deeper, rely more on God to resolve  issues and to know that he will give me the grace and strength I need to deal with them.  I need to tap into that joy and power I see these two examples modeling everyday.