Waiting

I am so tired.  Just so very tired.  I can sleep the sleep of Ambien and be groggy the next day until noon or I can sleep of the fretful and be groggy till noon.  It doesn't seem to matter.  And while I say that I am so tired, I feel so guilty because my mother and brothers and sister and even Jack and Bell are just as tired, mom surely more so.  But I am just so tired.  Twice in the last two days I have lost my patience with Bell and snapped at her for something that was probably not snap worthy.

And I don't even know if I am so tired because because I haven't been able to exercise or eat enough green things or the emotional roller coaster each day has become or if it is just the sleep.  I have been given a lot of help from above in being peaceful and not giving in to doubt and fear, but it creeps in when I least expect it.  I find myself tearing up just driving down the road. 

To say that someone is hit by a semi and then drowned sounds like a preposterous thing that happened to the coyote when one of his sabotages against road runner backfires.  How can a man possibly survive?  He has survived, but his future, and thus ours, remains uncertain.  Every day there is a new hurdle - some cleared, some not.   We made it through the scary surgery Tuesday and I suppose we all just felt so much hope afterwards.  Then yesterday, he had to have an emergency tracheotomy when he wasn't able to breathe after being removed from the ventilator.  Setback. Setback. Through the night, when I woke up, I prayed that his pneumonia be cleared and that when his sedation wears off today he will be calm and at peace.  We don't even know for sure what he knows or thinks, just that he is sedated because he tried to remove some tubes yesterday on his own and was pretty angry acting.  Maybe with the ventilator tube gone, today will be better.  While I walked yesterday afternoon,  I prayed he would be calm, at peace, and not discouraged or afraid, my prayer for us all.

We have had so many friends and co-workers and church family members reach out with prayers and generosity and it has made all the difference.  I believe my father will be healed. That He will finish  this work of healing that He has started, but I am weary.

Yesterday was my happy 14th anniversary with Jack Dear.  Not a lot of celebrating around here, but let me say that I do not think I could have made it through the last 9 days without him.  Fourteen years.  It is unfathomable to me that life could have taken us down different roads.  I am thankful for my family, for my husband, for the mercy my father and family has been shown while we wait. Wait and pray.