I was slow to ease into the swing of holidays this year. We did the usual putting of the tree on Thanksgiving weekend. We made the wickedly rummy fruitcake. But somehow, the soberness I had just didn't shake. There are stresses this year with jobs and lack of jobs and the wrong jobs. Bell has a few struggles with school. I have some worries about the Wilson half of my family and we always worry about Jack's folks. I haven't even been on Facebook much. I felt like I was hunkering down, just trying to make it to break.
Then last weekend, Jack brought home all that pile of Christmas music. There are still a few songs on LP's we need to burn, favorites from my childhood like the "Do you see what I see?" song. We copied everything else into a playlist featuring the bests of everyone from Jimmy Durante, Sinatra, Crosby, and Julie Andrews to a few more contemporary artists.
I imagine my family cringes every time I turn on the music now, but I am still smitten. It doesn't really matter if it is Frosty the Snowman or Away in the Manger. I like it. Some time in the last week, I finally felt like it was Christmas and I remembered that I liked it all. I like the pageantry. The children's class play in which my child was the angel atop a tree. The crowds. The lights. The music. The baking and messing in the kitchen. Eggnog. The smells of cinnamon and nutmeg. Boughs of evergreen tied in red ribbon. Today was spent shopping almost the entire day, yet I met not a single grumpy or unsmiling person. Not even the cashiers showed their weariness. I even met a man named Princess Bob and I liked him too. There is just magic in the air, particularly when there is a small child soaking it up with me.
The soberness is still there. Alone in the car today, I found my self crying as I sang Silent Night. I think of those that we loved that are not here this year, friends and family. I think of Sandy Hook. War. The students I have. I worry about grandparents who might not be here next year. But I also think of the things that are promised and seem about to bloom. Spring and gardens. A new niece. The new loves I see at working around us. The fact that Jack and I still find things to delight in about each other. And so overall, there is sense of peace and hope, at least for me and mine.
The day seemed to close on a good note. Jack was cuing up Charlie Brown and I was making a living room picnic of bread, cheese, fruit, and wine. I stepped to the door to evict a cat but, instead, noticed the lake. I am not sure I have ever seen the water so still that individual tree branches and trunks were reflected. Even though trees were bare and it was a wintry lake, the simple beauty just seemed to reinforce this mood of peace and joy I have wallowed in all day. So, I grabbed Jack's coat and my camera and trooped down to the water to watch the sun go down, supper forgotten in that moment when it was hard to tell which was the up and which was the down. 
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