Turning the Last Page

Book lovers know how bittersweet turning the last page of beloved story can be.  If there is a sequal, it isn't as sad, but I always hate to finish a really good book, the sort that I have lived and breathed as the left the page and became internalized.

I feel that the end of this school year is a bit like the end of that book. Don't get me wrong.  I was so beyond ready for the end of the term.  I had given up writing real lesson plans by the first of April and just had assignments/project steps jotted on a calendar around all the days we were out of class for this and that.  I definitely don't feel like I did any real meaningful teaching the entire month of May except perhaps to my juniors who did the This I Believe project. I had my classroom packed days before the semester tests.  My inventories were done.  I was ready to walk out the door.

 Really the last day for me was going to The Oklahoma Foundation for Excellence  banquet with one of my seniors who was awarded Academic All State. I was so honored to get to see her accomplishments acknowledged.  Haley is one of those really special students that I will miss, though I can't wait to see all the amazing things she will do next.  I am also saying goodbye to the best sophomores and juniors I have ever had.  I don't think I have ever enjoyed a group of kids more.   But these kids leaving means that my window of opportunity for teaching them what they need to know is closed.  There is something bittersweet about the end of something we work hard on.  It feels good to reach the end, but I also wonder how much better I could have done in this and that.  It's also anticlimactic. We work so hard to get them to pass state tests, to get our at risk kids to simply pass the class, and then, POOF! they are just gone.

It was also the last year of elementary school for Bell.  Compared to elementary, middle school seems daunting, threatening all sorts if pitfalls from mean girls to mean teachers.  I remember very little good from my own years in those grades and I worry that my already awkward kiddo will get lost in these years.

It was also the end of a job for Jack.  He was discontent with his job for various reasons, but it was a pretty stable pay check for three years.  The job market is a scary place right now.  My dad has been out of work for over three months with no prospects.  Jack is almost at the two month point.  He did go to an interview for a job he wasn't sure he would want or be able to take because of the distance from home.  Of course now, he really wants it and they haven't called back.  I am praying the boss just took a long holiday weekend instead of deciding they needed someone closer and younger.

I Teach You. You Teach Me. This I believe.

Earlier this week, I sat through an agonizingly long awards ceremony at our highschool. While I admit that it is a totally boring way to spend one's morning, it was also rewarding and encouraging to see so many of my former students excelling.  Teens do a lot of stupid things, really stupid things.  Many don't at all care about education and only graduate because we drag them kicking and screaming through their school years.  But not all, not nearly all.  An astonishing amount of scholarship money was awarded.  Students who placed at area scholastic meets received medals.   We have a young man who was awarded a spot at the Air Force Academy.  We have a National Merit Scholar and an Academic All Stater. Another student was just elected State FFA President.  These students all sat in my class.  They worked their hearts for me and let me teach them instead of resisting education with all their might.

My point is that teens get a bad rap sometimes.  Look on the news or on social media.  It is full of images of teens making poor decisions. While  I do honestly worry about this generation's ability to make wise voting choices and to contribute meaningfully to society, it is our job and perhaps our pleasure to spend time with these same kids making sure they learn to think.  A lot of my friends interact with young people all the time.  They are in education or other professions or programs that center around kids, like ministry, Girl Scouts or Duncan's Teen Theater.   We have so many opportunities to be with kids in a positive way, and while many kids surely need some guidance, others just need to be encouraged in the already good things they believe and do.

As our end of the year project, my AP Lang classes worked our way through the This I Believe personal essay project.  Think back to those broadcasts of This I Believe speeches on NPR.  That is just what we did minus recording our speeches and sending them to someone. We did lots of small reflective journal writings, some collaborative work, and finally wrote and presented  essays on some personal philosophy they held about an aspect of life.  They wrote about everything.  These were painful, soul  searching essays.  Students wrote about success and defeat.  Fear.  Aspirations.  Coming out. Mental illness.  Faith. You name it and we probably heard it.  We went through a box of Kleenex during presentation days.

Let me just say that I was in awe of the collective wisdom in that room.  They may just be sixteen and seventeen and eighteen year olds, but they know a lot.  They have strong and solid beliefs that will help guide them.  They know themselves far better than I did before I went off to college.  One would think they had just came out of Ann Frankland's class on Campbell.  I was really afraid they would blow this assignment off as an easy A, go through the motions, and turn in trite easy essays.  A few did.  Perhaps three out of fifty. Most were well written, had gorgeous style and dug deep.  These were from the heart and I couldn't have been prouder of them.  They badgered me to write one too - it was hard.  How do I pick just one philopshy and make it relatable?

Through out the year, I learned so much from this group of kids.  It was honestly the best year ever.  It was just a wonderful group of kids.  I poured my heart into the class and they did to.  I learned from them all year - what ever we read or wrote, they always had some new perspective, some new slant I hadn't thought of. I learned a lot about teaching and just people this year.

I think sometimes I get so caught up in teaching what the state department or College Board mandates, that I put teaching the important things on the back burner. I did a better job of making them look at important issues and face difficult "life" issues this year.  In the process I was reminded of how much they teach me when I am supposed to be teaching them.

One of my seniors gave me a card a few days ago.  I stood in my room reading it, tears tracking down my cheeks.  She said that she hadn't planned to take my class but that it was a God thing that she had and that we read what we did.  Of course it was - I know she and others were put in my room to teach me a thing or two this year.  I may be on the door step of middle age and she may be young, but I believe if we are listening and paying attention, we teach each other.

April Showers

I need May flowers.  I need May to burst forth in a riot of color and life and vigor, literally and figuratively.  

I am not overly fond of the word "suck" but I can think of no other word I am willing to publish to describe the month of April than that it was a purely sucky month.  I know.  I have a degree in English and am always on my kids about an enriched vocabulary.   I can surely do better.

I am sure most of our friends know that about three weeks ago Jack was laid off.  No severance package.  No pay for unused vacation.  Just cut loose. There have been some hiccups with unemployment paychecks, but they are in the process of happening.  In the meantime he has spent whole days online searching for work, applying for jobs.  The thing is, we are stuck.  He doesn't feel we can leave here because of his parents needing us as caretakers and I at least have a job, one that I like.  And he is not the most employable - a theater degree is close to worthless here.  Since then, we have had to replace an air conditioner, had a major malfunction that resulted in a flooded house and a new hot water heater, discovered termites, Jack has to have a cavity dealt with, and we are still cleaning up tree debri from last weekend's tornado that went between our house and his mom's.  Today, I have a sick kid.  If I were a drinking woman, I would be in a stupor.  Ann Frankland once said something to the effect that kicking a flat tire and loosing a few good curse words was effective.  I am not there but I will totally admit that April sucked. 

A co-worker has suggested that it was a way to keep me on my knees before God, humbled and prayerful.  I think there may be something to that.  It does feel like a test and I am not sure how much my faith is holding up.  I am not panicked, not nearly.  But I am concerned.  I am organized, a planner, a worrier. And certainly not a risk taker . . . Yes, it is time to be prayerful, to listen.  To ask that the doors meant for us be opened and the doors to distractions and wrong paths be closed.  

It is also a time to reexamine what I do have.  This time of no work lets Jack be of more help to his parents.  It meant he was home to deal with ruptured hot water heater and flooded carpets and walls.  It meant he was home during tornados to be with us. I have that gorgeous view of the lake morning and evening.  I have a husband I am madly in love with who still loves me and who is a great dad to our child.   I have had the best year ever at school. We are mostly healthy.  My shoulder seems worlds better - I am thankful that God has given relief there since he knows I can't afford the surgery I was sure I had to have.  Maybe these are coincidences.  Maybe they are little miracles.  I rather think they are.  

April wasn't so much showers of difficulties.  It has been more like monsoon season.  I need patience, wisdom, faith that in May or June or in God's timing, there will be relief, reward.  Flowers.