Friday, September 28, 2012

Happy Anniversary to Us


      Today is our day, Jack's and mine.  Ten years ago we had our funny little wedding in my family's back yard and started on what has been a blessing.  Fun.  Adventure. Frustration.  Sadness.  Contentment.  Exhaustion.  Romance.  A Child.  All these things in turns,  but a blessing always.

Some of our friends know our back story and some don't.  I wish I could say that we were in love at first sight, but we simply were not.  I was told he was bad news and I think he said he thought I was stuck up.  Eventually we were friends and were that for a long time before we were anything more.  We spent the year before we got married not even in contact at all with each other because we couldn't figure out what we wanted or how to make it work or if we even wanted it to work.  But once we found each other again, we knew exactly what we wanted.  It was all or nothing.

I was adamant that I wanted something small and simple, a backyard affair with just close friends and family.  This morphed into the church coming and suddenly I needed chairs for more than 200 people instead of the 50 I had envisioned.   I spent the summer planting grass and pulling up sod from the nice green cow lot and moving it the bare spots in the back yard. Most people pick a venue that does not involve digging up the cow lot.  I know that now.  My mother spent the summer making my dress, refitting it what was surely dozens of times.  I was also adamant that I didn't want a veil, but my hair was too short for an up-do so I wanted a hat.  For some reason, there was not a white hat to be had anywhere that summer,  so I took my old garden hat and covered it with leftover dress material.  That is one of my few regrets - not buying a hat was a mistake.

Adding to the chaos, I was firm on not having a huge reception but having a picnic type luncheon for family afterward.  The two days before the wedding found Jack Dear and I renting some metal arbor thing from a place in Marlow and cooking with my mother and grandmother.  I just couldn't buy all that food.  So we made it.  We roasted meats and made salads and goodness knows how many little croissant rolls.  Cheesecakes.  Fruit.  Everything.  My mother made our cake, and Jack and I decorated it the day before the wedding.  That poor cake.  It was lopsided and we should have been sick from eating too much frosting.  But it was good.  Chocolate Town Special cake with cream cheese frosting  decorated with edible flowers.  I know.  Goofy.  Lots of other people helped too or we never would have managed.  Mary and Lou and Di.  My parents.  Lots of people had a hand in this.

It wasn't that we intended to have a strange, goofy wedding.  It was more that we wanted to do it ourselves, for ourselves, for each other.  That is also why I did not want an engagement ring and wedding band from a jewelry store.  When Jack asked me what I wanted, I asked him to make something for us. He did and they are perfect.  I never fail to think of it as his work when I put my ring on in the morning.  I like knowing that he made these rings and they were never intended for anyone but us.  Those jewelry store rings could have potentially been anyone's.  My ring was only ever for me.

We have so  many funny, funny memories of that day.   I am glad that some of our family had that day with us, family that is now gone.   I love that we have stories to tell Isabella.  Stories like "right there is where I married your Daddy."  We laughed so much that day and we cried some too. Perhaps my favorite funny of that day is how teary eyed people in the audience got when Jack reached up during our vows and brushed my cheek.  They all thought he was brushing away a tear.  It was really just an adventurous bug crawling up my face.

That is a lot of our life still - lots of DIY, lots of laughing, a few tears.  It has not always been easy.  I cannot say that we have never been mad.  I cannot even say that we have always been as careful with each other as we should have been.  But we learn and keep loving and learn more.  We are more patient and mellow.  We are kinder and gentler.  We are more romantic.  We love more and take for granted less.  I always think that every year has been better than the one before.  I think that is what we have to give each other now, the promise of continuing to get better at this every year, of loving more and deeper and stronger.




Zoppe! Zoppe!

Last Sunday, on  its very last day, we hauled our tired  selves to the state fair.  Bell had never been to more than the little county fair, and even though I wanted to dawdle over merchants' booths and quilt displays, we decided we would gear this toward Bell, working in our old people sights when and if we could.  The only thing we determined was that we would begin with the circus.  I was not expecting much; after all, it was free, so how good could it be? Yet, something about it beckoned.

I should admit that about every year a small circus comes through Comanche or Duncan, and I always hope Bell does not find out and ask to go.  I had no desire to see a small, two bit circus. I had an idea they would be dirty, shoddy, seedy.  At the other end of the spectrum, a few years ago a friend gave us tickets to the big Shriners circus in the City.  It was fun, lots of dazzle and splendor and daring feats.  We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and it was a day well spent.

But this day, it was not an expensive big circus with high wires and elephants and three rings.  Before the show began, Giovanni (Nino) Zoppe stood outside the tent playing the crowd a bit with his troupe.  There was accordion music, clapping, and the shouting of "HEY" a lot, along with the joke of music requests that always turned into their old world "Hey" music.  Some of the crowd didn't get it, but it was funny in a dry way.  It was more an old world style circus complete with Mama Zoppe who had a scary lot of makeup and seemed to speak only canned lines.  Mama Zoppe would have fit perfectly behind a fortune teller's table replete with crystal ball.  There were no big cats, though there was a ring full of small dogs, fast dogs, and spotted dogs that could all do tricks.  Oh, a fat pony also made an appearance with some larger horses.  I was a little creeped out by Mama Zoppe, but I was charmed by the clowns and the other entertainers.  Nino the clown was spectacular, along with his cohort whose name I did not catch. Until that day, I have only seen one clown act that I liked, but that act was not nearly in the same caliber as this.  The jugglers were funny.  The trapeze artist, thrilling.  We laughed and we cried and we were so very glad we went.  Only an hour long, the show didn't take up much of our time, but we would have stayed in our seats willingly had the show been longer.

I think what I loved is that this was a show that the audience interacted with.  It was integral to the pre-show and to the show itself.  Even Jack Dear was calling out to NiƱo at one point.  We were close enough that though we could see them sweat in the heat of the tent, we could also see them smile, their eyes softening with the applause.  That also meant that we were close enough that they were people, not just entertainment.   It was theater wonderment in a ring of sawdust.  I was offended by the bulk of audience who walked out during the closing, those people who were too in a hurry to wait for a single bow.  Those performers had given us laughter.  The least we could do is not be in a rush . . . the rest of the fair would surely wait a few more minutes.

I do not wish to romanticize this thing we saw.  It was a circus and smelled like one.  A few of the artists could have used a fresh shampoo.  Their props had a few tatters. I am sure they were every bit as gritty and seedy as I expected the ones to be in Comanche.  I have no desire to run away and join their life.  I also am sure we will again see a big three ring affair - they sell us some different sort of entertainment.

I so much wish I had taken a camera that day (we decided water bottles needed to be in the backpack instead).  I would have caught my child and her father's profiles absolutely lit up, delighting in that spinning trapeze boy or that Chaplin-esque clown.  I would have taken a picture of them with Mr. Zoppe as he stood at the door afterwards shaking hands and thanking us for coming as we thanked him for his magic.

Monday, September 24, 2012

State Fair

When I was a wee bitty girl, and to my great delight, I was allowed to accompany my dad to the State Fair.  Actually, I remember going several time when I was small.  My daddy was the Ag teacher and some years, momma would take us kids with him when he had to take students.  I remember at least one of my brothers being in a stroller at the fair.  I remember once Daddy parked the bus right over a mud puddle which I promptly fell into.  For years I had a wooden recorder that was a fair souvenier and somewhere, I still have some collector's coins that were fair purchases.  Eventually, we stopped going with dad.  My guess is that later on, Momma was also teaching and then once there were more of us kids, it probably just wore her out and got too expensive.

But at least once, when I was five or six, just a little thing, my daddy let me go with him and the Ag kids while Momma stayed home.  I know it was a rainy day and cool.  I remember having damp feet all day.  But I also remember feeling important as my father's shadow.  We did lots that day, but what I remember best is Dad taking time from the Ag  barn just for me.  I remember the midway and exhibits, but the best was going to a star show.  We went in a building and laid down on mats and watched a beautiful star and laser light show.  I was entranced.  I doubt I had ever seen anything like that before, and I never saw anything like that kaleidoscope again.  But just as clearly as those dancing colors, I remember lying next to dad to watch it.

All these years later, I still love those memories with my dad.  Probably after that, the memories are mostly shared with Ben and Tuck and later on Ian and Rachel.  But that was my time with him.

Yesterday was Bell's first trip to the State Fair.  We were already tired from a long week, and Jack and Bell were tired from sleeping in a tent down on the water, but we went since it was the last day.  I don't think she saw any thing that just glued into her mind yesterday, but it was so fun showing her around.  To her unjaded little eyes, everything was new and exciting.  Probably the best of today was watching her face just lit up with wonder while she watched the Zoppe circus.  I enjoyed it too, but watching her soak up the magic of good performers was magic in itself.  Holding that little hand in mine while her daddy held the other, walking in the sunshine, seeing wonders through her eyes.  That was what it was about.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Choosing love and life

It was homecoming week in Elgin.  Since I am the class sophomore class sponsor, that meant Jack Dear got to build a float.  As expected, it was perfect.  The other sponsor had the idea of an Elk graveyard (our opponents' mascot is an elk).  Jack made wonderfully realistic tombstones, plus an open grave with 4 elk feet sticking up.  The feet were on springs so they jiggled as the float rolled down the parade route.  We tied for 1st place and so the class account will get a little cash prize.  I think all my husband got was the profound gratitude of two stressed and inept sponsors.  There was also an evening of window decorating, a girl scout meeting, and the game itself this week.  Whew!

On the upside, I got 1 out of 4 observations done with my boss.  I was satisfied with my scores, a mix of effective and highly effectives. Now that I know what to expect, I am really not worried about the rest of them.

On the downside, I still have not been to the police department to be fingerprinted.  Ugh.  I think that has been moved to this week's schedule, along with a chiro appointment.

I think the bulk of this week, for me, was about rembering to appreciate the things I am blessed with.  I was really disappointed last weekend over having to cancel a trip that I have been plotting for months. This week will be our tenth anniversary.  I know ten years is not that long, but it feels big to me.  For years, the most we have ever done is had a date night, but I had been planning an actual "leave the kid with Grandma weekend and go somewhere" type thing.This morphed into a mini family vacay after Isabella had to skip Girl Scout camp.  I felt really guilty about us doing something cool without her, so instead of hotels and museums, we  were thinking camping and hiking at Cap Rock. The whole thing has been shelved because Jack has a side job every weekend in October.  Last weekend I was furious.  Angry.   The thing is, I was not mad at Jack for working.  In fact, I even told him to do it.  I was more mad at the situation, at the fact that this job lined up with fall break.  Mad that this is the only chance we have for this trip until next year. This spilled into being mad about other things.  But, in the midst of being mad, came a very clear revelation that I was not walking in love.  It did not matter that I was stressed, that I was tired, etc.  I simply was not trusting or hoping.  I was not being patient.  I was not doing any of things I had promised to do 10 years ago.  I was selfish. It was a vacation that was canceled.  That was all.  I still had a house to live in.  Our bills were paid.  We were healthy.  I have a husband who is an amazing father.  I have a family who not only supports me in my job, but goes along with all the extra stuff I have to do . .  Like floats.  I have a husband that loves me, even after 10 years.  Even when I don't deserve it.


I know, logically, that a lot of my anger had to do with being stressed about work.  About my hand (which does seem a little better) and the rest of my body which has just gone generally haywire . . . Nothing sinister, just annoying stuff.  But I also know that spirits come against us to destroy whatever we are not holding tightly to.   I also know that I am probably not finished putting off selfishness and anger and putting on love.   I have decided that this is one of those tests and I am going to choose Life.  I am going to choose it today, and tomorrow, and all of the tomorrows after that.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Treading Water

I haven't written much because there has not been much to write.   It is this holding pattern of waiting.

We seem to be caught in this wave of "wait until payday" but it was to be expected.  With the job change, I entirely missed the August pay cycle at the old school and the new school.  Factor in job changes for Jack too, and it has been a slim month with a few more slim weeks to go.

I have been in a funk about my hand too.  A lot of you know that I have had some issues that seem to be carpal tunnel in my right arm.  Mostly it is an annoyance because my hand and arm are asleep most of the time, making awkward what should be simple tasks. Awkward. Typing, drinking coffee, and all those normal things.  Really the worst is at night because it keeps me awake.  Now, I have this brace that I have worn since July and it helps some, but it does not get rid of the issue.   Last week I had my doctor shoot my wrist full of steroids (Jack was not invited to watch); but the numbness came back immediately.  I am in this limbo now waiting to see how much of the injections the insurance pays for before I move on to seeing a surgeon.  Part of me wants to go ahead and take care of the wrist this fall.  The other part of me says wait until January so I have a full year to enjoy having met my deductible.  If I wait, I get a whole year of  cheap chiropractor visits, which is nothing to scoff at.

Work is work.  I still haven't had the promised and dreaded evaluation but that is just because we are such a big school that I haven't had a turn before the firing squad yet.  I do not have more than the current units planned out, but I absolutely need to map out the whole year with this curriculum.  This kills me.  The past several years I started the year with detailed lesson plans for the whole year plus contingency plans in case we didn't get as far as I wanted.   I remember that when I went on maternity  leave I even had every paper copied for the next 9 weeks.  This flying by the seat of my pants is not natural for me.

In the midst of it all, Jack's brother is supposed to be up at the big house for  the weekend.  There was fundraiser stuff for Bell this week.  Girl Scout deadlines are upon us.  Next week there is a homecoming float to build.  Jack has traveling coming up off and on all fall.  My pumpkins are booming like crazy, but little pumpkins are few and far between.  To top it off, today I found out that for a state required background check, I have to be finger printed . . . only after 6 pm . . . without a tag along child . . . at the Lawton PD.  This was not my agenda for the week.



Okay.  I have whined and vented and whined some more and that is quite enough.  Despite uncertainties and my lack of preparedness, we are fine.  We are mostly healthy.  The bills are paid.  We all still love each other.  Really, if I would drag myself out of bed earlier to work out, I would probably be calmer and less stressed.

I sat in church Sunday watching a woman whose small child had drowned.  Another person battled cancer.  The couple who longed for children.  I somehow think I am pretty okay.  I am blessed and just need to remember it.  I might actually be supposed to be getting better at waiting.