Last year began with a grim sort of trudging. Jack had the flu and was jobless. I hadn't yet become good friends with people at school. Harold was in the hospital. Just grim.
There have certainly been some dark moments this year. There were lots of nights when I lay awake praying that God would sort our mess out, that he would heal Jack's back or give us wisdom with Bell or . . . It is a never ending list, a very similar list to what you probably face. Of course there was the two months when Jack was hurt and couldn't move beyond the recliner, couldn't work, couldn't even lie down. There was the incident with the dog and my leg and the stitches. I know there have been moments when I lost my temper with Jack and he has lost his temper with me.
But somehow this year we hit a stride that worked. Some of that rhythm and peace has to do with knowing we are where we should be. Some of it has to do with me learning to be content instead of always wanting more - a bigger kitchen and bath would be nice, but I am not living in a tent like my mom did for 2 years. I am incredibly thankful that Jack has a job that he mostly likes and a boss who didn't lay him off during his injured time. I am incredibly thankful that I have friends. It makes such a difference.
No, it is not perfect bliss, but it is real life, with real joy to go with real problems.
This is Jack's week to be gone and Bell was gloomy about him being gone on New Year's Eve, so I took her to see a movie and out to lunch yesterday. Then our friends in Fletcher invited us over for games and snacks for NYE. It was low key, but Bell loves to play with their son and I have come to count Suzanne as a serious blessing in my friend list. The evening was a reminder of that blessing.
This morning I woke with a sinus headache, but there is hot coffee and a not too messy house and sunshine. I am tired from staying up too late, but I am optimistic that this will be a good year. I don't know what it will bring - we have some major car issues and house issues to deal with. Jack still walks with a limp. I will be back in the grind of teaching in a few days. I have a feeling we are on the cusp of some major change in the way we live, though that change could still be years away. I know as much as I love teaching this AP class, I feel a draw to homeschool and I still desperately want the farm thing to happen. I also think that when one of Jack's parents dies, we will have to move into the big house with the other one. With their age and health, that could, be tomorrow or in ten years. Lots of uncertainty. Yet, I am still optimistic that this year will bring good things. I hope it brings good things for all of you.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Friday, December 20, 2013
Seeing the Goodness
I just realized I have not posted anything here in almost two weeks. I have been out of sorts. My body has gone strike and is refusing to remotely behave and that just makes me feel blah. I am going to have some blood work done next week to see about it all.
In the past week and a half, Jack Dear did indeed come home and afte 5 days of working on it, did get our water well going again. About the time we came home, he went back to Alva. Staying at Jack 's parents for a whole was week was a weird mix of stress and luxury. I fretted about Bell getting on their nerves and about our water woes. I fretted about a lost debit card (issue now resolved). I just fretted not being at home. It was also the week of making semester tests and trying to cajole and plead and threaten my few problem children into passing my class by just turning something in. It was luxury to have a washer and dryer inside the house but not in the kitchen that was big with more counter space than I used. The magic tub. The fireplace.
I just feel like I have been going through the motions for two weeks. There were some fabulous moments with my family and at girls night, but mostly I have been disconnected. My mind whirls with ideas and questions and frustrations, but each day felt unplugged.
Today was better and it was all due to the last three minutes of the drive to work. Two months ago, a staff member mentioned that a particular kid always looked guilty, shifty eyed as if he was up to something. I didn't know the kid other than by sight, but I had certainly never seen him do anything bad or rude, but hey, what did I know? Maybe that staff member had some insight that I didn't have. Today, the young man was walking his little brother and sister to school. When I drove past them, the boy was hanging on tight to his little brother's hand. The younger child looked 5 or 6 and was just little enough to still not watch for cars. The little boy's steps were smaller and the older boy shortened his steps to match. When they got to the parking lot, he didn't go his own way or drop the smaller child's hand. I could the little boy chattering and the bigger brother nod his head, listening. I don't know this boy or who he is, but it so warmed my heart to see a big high school kid being that sensitive to what was probably a pesky sibling. I caught the young man later this morning walking down the hall. I asked if he always walked his brother and sister to school. He nodded, not sure where I was going with the question. I patted him on the shoulder and simply said "you are a good big brother" to which his face lit up and he nodded a quick appreciation. I asked around and found out that other teachers said he is a really nice kid. Maybe he will be in my class next year.
Something about that moment of little boy and big boy together made me teary eyed and thankful that I get to be with these kids, get to know them, maybe learn a little while I teach a little. It more than made up for the day before when I was this close to yelling at a kid, this close to telling a kid he was wasting my time and the oxygen in the room, for actually saying "If you want to fail my class this badly, go ahead because I can't make you pass and I am finished trying." The boy walking to school didn't particularly look like he was having fun, but he looked like he was patiently doing something he knew must be done. That patience and gentleness and goodness emanating from him was such an example to me.
I finished the day with a learning disability student making the highest grade on the final. It was so nice to be able to say this kid who struggles so much, who often doesn't get it the first or even second time, "man, you did a fabulous job." What it also says is that my other kids didn't study enough., which is a different rant. If anyone deserved to have the highest grade, it was this boy who studied the most and tried his hardest. I like that work sometimes pays off more than just sheer smarts. I like to be able to send home an email bragging on a kid who doesn't get bragged on much.
Friday is the last day before break. I have a smidge of stocking shopping left to do. Family time coming up. Jack will be home next week. I am ready for a break, but I am really thankful for this day.
In the past week and a half, Jack Dear did indeed come home and afte 5 days of working on it, did get our water well going again. About the time we came home, he went back to Alva. Staying at Jack 's parents for a whole was week was a weird mix of stress and luxury. I fretted about Bell getting on their nerves and about our water woes. I fretted about a lost debit card (issue now resolved). I just fretted not being at home. It was also the week of making semester tests and trying to cajole and plead and threaten my few problem children into passing my class by just turning something in. It was luxury to have a washer and dryer inside the house but not in the kitchen that was big with more counter space than I used. The magic tub. The fireplace.
I just feel like I have been going through the motions for two weeks. There were some fabulous moments with my family and at girls night, but mostly I have been disconnected. My mind whirls with ideas and questions and frustrations, but each day felt unplugged.
Today was better and it was all due to the last three minutes of the drive to work. Two months ago, a staff member mentioned that a particular kid always looked guilty, shifty eyed as if he was up to something. I didn't know the kid other than by sight, but I had certainly never seen him do anything bad or rude, but hey, what did I know? Maybe that staff member had some insight that I didn't have. Today, the young man was walking his little brother and sister to school. When I drove past them, the boy was hanging on tight to his little brother's hand. The younger child looked 5 or 6 and was just little enough to still not watch for cars. The little boy's steps were smaller and the older boy shortened his steps to match. When they got to the parking lot, he didn't go his own way or drop the smaller child's hand. I could the little boy chattering and the bigger brother nod his head, listening. I don't know this boy or who he is, but it so warmed my heart to see a big high school kid being that sensitive to what was probably a pesky sibling. I caught the young man later this morning walking down the hall. I asked if he always walked his brother and sister to school. He nodded, not sure where I was going with the question. I patted him on the shoulder and simply said "you are a good big brother" to which his face lit up and he nodded a quick appreciation. I asked around and found out that other teachers said he is a really nice kid. Maybe he will be in my class next year.
Something about that moment of little boy and big boy together made me teary eyed and thankful that I get to be with these kids, get to know them, maybe learn a little while I teach a little. It more than made up for the day before when I was this close to yelling at a kid, this close to telling a kid he was wasting my time and the oxygen in the room, for actually saying "If you want to fail my class this badly, go ahead because I can't make you pass and I am finished trying." The boy walking to school didn't particularly look like he was having fun, but he looked like he was patiently doing something he knew must be done. That patience and gentleness and goodness emanating from him was such an example to me.
I finished the day with a learning disability student making the highest grade on the final. It was so nice to be able to say this kid who struggles so much, who often doesn't get it the first or even second time, "man, you did a fabulous job." What it also says is that my other kids didn't study enough., which is a different rant. If anyone deserved to have the highest grade, it was this boy who studied the most and tried his hardest. I like that work sometimes pays off more than just sheer smarts. I like to be able to send home an email bragging on a kid who doesn't get bragged on much.
Friday is the last day before break. I have a smidge of stocking shopping left to do. Family time coming up. Jack will be home next week. I am ready for a break, but I am really thankful for this day.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Cozy and Thankful for the Family That Came With Marriage
It is amazing how much differenc water, a warm house, and some sleep make.
We made the move up to Rubilee's mid morning yesterday, pushing our stuff in a wheelbarrow through the snow. A 7 year old thinks she should pack her own bag (which has an equal amount of stuffed animals and good choices like a book and a board game), a mom packs toiletries, clothes, the pillow and blanket ( to which the kid has a Linus like attachment), supplemental groceries, briefcase full tests and AP a Research papers, a sled, and craft stuff and games ( to keep kid busy when she discovers that stuffed animals have a limited entertainment value.). Yes, we unglamorously trudged up with a wheelbarrow.
It was a good day. Rubilee and Harold have very different internal thermostats so it was a very toasty day, the kind where I wear my thinnest pants and a tee shirt while the heat is set on 76. That's totally okay. We played in the snow a little, we made cookies and biscotti, we had baths in the magic tub ( it has jets) and Bell was going to sleep in the magic bed ( hide-a-bed) though she ended up in my bed.
My in laws have a big house with living quarters and bedrooms on both floors so we were able to spread out. When they wanted family time, we all were upstairs, but when they needed a break, they went downstairs where they mostly live when we aren't here. When they went to bed, I cracked a window for a bit over my bed and turned the heat down a twitch. I made sure I reset it when I got up.
I am still stressed about our water situation. I hate to think of having to dig up the sidewalk to replace the line that will surely break while we are shut down. I hate to think of Jack driving home Monday and having to come here instead of home, possibly for most of his stay at home because if the pipes break, it will not be a quick fix. On the other hand, I am really thankful for this warm house with its magic tub and wide spaces.
But here is the thing. I know so many people who dread going to their in-laws, who see their spouse's family as something to be endured. I am so lucky, so blessed to get to share Jack's family. His parents are kind and seem to genuinely like us being here (they may be ready for a break come Monday). They are gracious and hospitable, but are also past treating us like company. Rubilee has finally in the last year let me help in the kitchen. Harold feels free to tease me. But they do the big things like open their home as easily as they do the small things. Yesterday, Harold went in the truck and went up and down my driveway making a path so I could get my car out if I have to. I always cringe when I hear other people talk about in-laws as if they are something to be endured. I know my dad's parents see my mom as the daughter they didn't have, so maybe I just a good example of what this extended family thing should be. Or maybe I am just blessed.
We made the move up to Rubilee's mid morning yesterday, pushing our stuff in a wheelbarrow through the snow. A 7 year old thinks she should pack her own bag (which has an equal amount of stuffed animals and good choices like a book and a board game), a mom packs toiletries, clothes, the pillow and blanket ( to which the kid has a Linus like attachment), supplemental groceries, briefcase full tests and AP a Research papers, a sled, and craft stuff and games ( to keep kid busy when she discovers that stuffed animals have a limited entertainment value.). Yes, we unglamorously trudged up with a wheelbarrow.
It was a good day. Rubilee and Harold have very different internal thermostats so it was a very toasty day, the kind where I wear my thinnest pants and a tee shirt while the heat is set on 76. That's totally okay. We played in the snow a little, we made cookies and biscotti, we had baths in the magic tub ( it has jets) and Bell was going to sleep in the magic bed ( hide-a-bed) though she ended up in my bed.
My in laws have a big house with living quarters and bedrooms on both floors so we were able to spread out. When they wanted family time, we all were upstairs, but when they needed a break, they went downstairs where they mostly live when we aren't here. When they went to bed, I cracked a window for a bit over my bed and turned the heat down a twitch. I made sure I reset it when I got up.
I am still stressed about our water situation. I hate to think of having to dig up the sidewalk to replace the line that will surely break while we are shut down. I hate to think of Jack driving home Monday and having to come here instead of home, possibly for most of his stay at home because if the pipes break, it will not be a quick fix. On the other hand, I am really thankful for this warm house with its magic tub and wide spaces.
But here is the thing. I know so many people who dread going to their in-laws, who see their spouse's family as something to be endured. I am so lucky, so blessed to get to share Jack's family. His parents are kind and seem to genuinely like us being here (they may be ready for a break come Monday). They are gracious and hospitable, but are also past treating us like company. Rubilee has finally in the last year let me help in the kitchen. Harold feels free to tease me. But they do the big things like open their home as easily as they do the small things. Yesterday, Harold went in the truck and went up and down my driveway making a path so I could get my car out if I have to. I always cringe when I hear other people talk about in-laws as if they are something to be endured. I know my dad's parents see my mom as the daughter they didn't have, so maybe I just a good example of what this extended family thing should be. Or maybe I am just blessed.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Cold. Just damn cold.
I have been awake since 2 for the most part. Partly the old bursitis and sciatica in my hip kept me up, but I think I just fretted a lot.
I wish I could be one of those calm, serene people who took things in stride and never got ruffled, but I am not. I obsess and I fret. I grind my teeth, stay awake all night and get fever blisters.
Yesterday, the sleet started in Elgin around 11 and the snow mixed with sleet had begun in ear test by noon. It was 2 before I got my classes covered and got out of there. The drive home was tense, but okay. Getting up our hill to the house was a different matter. Right inside the gate, the car started slipping. I debated leaving it there, but I would have spent the next 4 days worried that it would slide down in the road or that something would happen to it. So with a little salt and cat litter and a shovel and 45 minutes, I got up the hill and under the carport. With only a little salt, I kept having to move the car five feet and then scoop up the salt and move it too.
I gave in and fed the stray dog, but he had to make do with sleeping on the cat bed in the shed. Poor cats are not happy, but I just can't let a stray in. And don't say call animal control. Where I live animal control consists of a shotgun and a ditch. Harsh, but true. I got some laundry done in anticipation of losing power and water, got some chicken soup going for Bella, and then noticed the water was surging.
Of course Jack has been in Alva for the both the last snow storm and this one, so I got to crouch down under the pressure tank with a phone and pull this lever and watch that gauge and flip that switch while Jack tried to diagnose my problem. Last night he thought we had a broken waterline between the well and the house, causing the pump to constantly kick on. Rather than burn up the pump overnight and then have to pull it out of the well, we opted for shutting the water off. I can turn it on for a few minutes to refill toilets and water jugs, but that is it. No dripping to protect my water line. This morning Jack thinks it must be something wrong in a control switch, but once again, this is not something I can fix. In the meantime, if we didn't have a broken pipe before, we probably will by the time Jack comes home next week.
In the meantime, the house is cold. During last winter, during the last snow storm, we stayed warm, but the furnace ran all night and it is 64 in here.
I really despise venting in this space. But I am just so tired and frustrated. I imagine we will go to Rubilee's for the day, maybe for the duration. I can walk down and heat up water for the barn cats and the stray. I have several cooking pots of water drawn up for emergencies so there is enough water for drinking by humans and animals. I don't know - maybe we will walk back and sleep in my bed at night. Maybe. Maybe. Not sure I will keep the kid entertained at someone else's house for days on end. For certain, we won't be going farther than that walk to her house.
Jack is in a mood too, frustrated that there isn't anything he can do to help. He says we just move to town and live in a condo. A condo where pipes can still freeze, where the power can still go out, where the neighbors' dogs bark and the idiot next door plays his music too loud. Yeah, that really isn't an option for me. This too will pass. We will get the water fixed, though it may take a few days depending on how much damage Jack finds when he gets home. We can stay with my in-laws in the meantime.
I wish I could be one of those calm, serene people who took things in stride and never got ruffled, but I am not. I obsess and I fret. I grind my teeth, stay awake all night and get fever blisters.
Yesterday, the sleet started in Elgin around 11 and the snow mixed with sleet had begun in ear test by noon. It was 2 before I got my classes covered and got out of there. The drive home was tense, but okay. Getting up our hill to the house was a different matter. Right inside the gate, the car started slipping. I debated leaving it there, but I would have spent the next 4 days worried that it would slide down in the road or that something would happen to it. So with a little salt and cat litter and a shovel and 45 minutes, I got up the hill and under the carport. With only a little salt, I kept having to move the car five feet and then scoop up the salt and move it too.
I gave in and fed the stray dog, but he had to make do with sleeping on the cat bed in the shed. Poor cats are not happy, but I just can't let a stray in. And don't say call animal control. Where I live animal control consists of a shotgun and a ditch. Harsh, but true. I got some laundry done in anticipation of losing power and water, got some chicken soup going for Bella, and then noticed the water was surging.
Of course Jack has been in Alva for the both the last snow storm and this one, so I got to crouch down under the pressure tank with a phone and pull this lever and watch that gauge and flip that switch while Jack tried to diagnose my problem. Last night he thought we had a broken waterline between the well and the house, causing the pump to constantly kick on. Rather than burn up the pump overnight and then have to pull it out of the well, we opted for shutting the water off. I can turn it on for a few minutes to refill toilets and water jugs, but that is it. No dripping to protect my water line. This morning Jack thinks it must be something wrong in a control switch, but once again, this is not something I can fix. In the meantime, if we didn't have a broken pipe before, we probably will by the time Jack comes home next week.
In the meantime, the house is cold. During last winter, during the last snow storm, we stayed warm, but the furnace ran all night and it is 64 in here.
I really despise venting in this space. But I am just so tired and frustrated. I imagine we will go to Rubilee's for the day, maybe for the duration. I can walk down and heat up water for the barn cats and the stray. I have several cooking pots of water drawn up for emergencies so there is enough water for drinking by humans and animals. I don't know - maybe we will walk back and sleep in my bed at night. Maybe. Maybe. Not sure I will keep the kid entertained at someone else's house for days on end. For certain, we won't be going farther than that walk to her house.
Jack is in a mood too, frustrated that there isn't anything he can do to help. He says we just move to town and live in a condo. A condo where pipes can still freeze, where the power can still go out, where the neighbors' dogs bark and the idiot next door plays his music too loud. Yeah, that really isn't an option for me. This too will pass. We will get the water fixed, though it may take a few days depending on how much damage Jack finds when he gets home. We can stay with my in-laws in the meantime.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Cold Days, a Warm Kitchen
It was so cold the first part of the week. Just so cold that I dreaded each time I had to put boots on and feed animals or switch out the laundry in the well house or all those other things that needed doing beyond the confines of the house. But put my boots on I did. I even ventured out to play with my girl, knowing it might be a long while before I again had a chance to push her down the hill on a sled.
Sunday and Monday we divided our time between getting warm and dried out and playing outside. I have to admit that I only was out for an hour twice on Sunday and and two on Monday. Bella spent the 4 out on Sunday and still outlasted me again on Monday. When we finally wore all the snow out on our own hill, we moved across the pasture to Rubilee's hill. She seemed to get a kick out of Bell flying down her slope. I know she watched for a long time from a perch in her warm kitchen. She didn't seem sad that we wore out her snow too.
It was not all play though. Poor Jack spent all day driving around in that mess. I managed to get all of the research papers graded, but at least it was at the kitchen table with a cup of steaming tea in my hand. Now I am at least caught up until the AP kids turn in their research papers this coming week.
That was a brief return to school on Tuesday, but Wednesday saw us in full swing in the kitchen. Bell had crazy dance music going in the kitchen so Jack Dear had to put up with me dancing while I cooked. He was my partner all afternoon. We made from scratch green bean casserole - that means we start with fresh beans, boxes of mushrooms and cartons of cream and butter. Nothing comes out of a can except the onion topping. He made my mushroom soup - I got to show him how to do a roux. Not often I know something he doesn't. He then progressed to taking care of snacky foods for tomorrow night. I was busy with fruit cake. Oh yes. It was fruitcake day. Our kitchn reeks of molasses, brandy, and our own blend of spices that we made for the special tropical fruitcake; my hand has blisters from snipping all those dried fruits - I bet Jack's does too. Between the two of us, we cut up 5 pounds of good died fruits, not the old nasty candied stuff. Harold must have been counting on fruitcake this year because he bought the brandy before Jack had a chance to. We will all have to wait a month for our reward.
What the week really reminded me of was how much I love being with my crazy husband and kid. Bell and I really had fun together in the snow. It made me think of all those snow days when my mom would come out and help us sled or try to make snowmen. She wasn't ever the sort of mom to say, "go play while I . . . ". She always played out in the snow with us and then gave us hot cocoa and cookies when we came in. I know I always loved the fact that mom enjoyed really doing things with us, not just being a parent from the living room couch. All too often I don't seem to have enough time to really do the things I want to with Bell, so I did love that walk with her a week ago and I did love playing this week. Those moments feel stolen, but a I am grateful for them. And Jack? We used to cook with each other all the time before Bella. It was our time to do something together, to talk through the events of the day, to share that book, to just be. There is something very intimate about cooking together. Perhaps it is the complicated dance of working together in a small kitchen or the holding out of a spoon full of cheesecake batter offering a taste of something sweet, waiting for the other person to trustingly take what you offer. It could be foreplay, but it doesn't have to be. It is more. It is closeness and sharing of words and space, though the proximity of a kiss is nothing to pass up either.
Today we will be off to Loco for dinner with my family. Since some of my siblings have to work Friday and Saturday, Rubilee graciously said she didn't mind if we had dinner with her on the weekend instead of on Thanksgiving day. We missed Christmas dinner last year because of the snow storm so I am overdue for some Wilson holiday chaos. It will also be the first holiday and family gathering since Tuck and Lex got married. I am really excited to go tomorrow. I hope you are all
with the ones you love. May our words be patient and gentle. May we soak up life. May we laugh and tell stories. May we be a thankful. May we love.
Sunday and Monday we divided our time between getting warm and dried out and playing outside. I have to admit that I only was out for an hour twice on Sunday and and two on Monday. Bella spent the 4 out on Sunday and still outlasted me again on Monday. When we finally wore all the snow out on our own hill, we moved across the pasture to Rubilee's hill. She seemed to get a kick out of Bell flying down her slope. I know she watched for a long time from a perch in her warm kitchen. She didn't seem sad that we wore out her snow too.
It was not all play though. Poor Jack spent all day driving around in that mess. I managed to get all of the research papers graded, but at least it was at the kitchen table with a cup of steaming tea in my hand. Now I am at least caught up until the AP kids turn in their research papers this coming week.
That was a brief return to school on Tuesday, but Wednesday saw us in full swing in the kitchen. Bell had crazy dance music going in the kitchen so Jack Dear had to put up with me dancing while I cooked. He was my partner all afternoon. We made from scratch green bean casserole - that means we start with fresh beans, boxes of mushrooms and cartons of cream and butter. Nothing comes out of a can except the onion topping. He made my mushroom soup - I got to show him how to do a roux. Not often I know something he doesn't. He then progressed to taking care of snacky foods for tomorrow night. I was busy with fruit cake. Oh yes. It was fruitcake day. Our kitchn reeks of molasses, brandy, and our own blend of spices that we made for the special tropical fruitcake; my hand has blisters from snipping all those dried fruits - I bet Jack's does too. Between the two of us, we cut up 5 pounds of good died fruits, not the old nasty candied stuff. Harold must have been counting on fruitcake this year because he bought the brandy before Jack had a chance to. We will all have to wait a month for our reward.
What the week really reminded me of was how much I love being with my crazy husband and kid. Bell and I really had fun together in the snow. It made me think of all those snow days when my mom would come out and help us sled or try to make snowmen. She wasn't ever the sort of mom to say, "go play while I . . . ". She always played out in the snow with us and then gave us hot cocoa and cookies when we came in. I know I always loved the fact that mom enjoyed really doing things with us, not just being a parent from the living room couch. All too often I don't seem to have enough time to really do the things I want to with Bell, so I did love that walk with her a week ago and I did love playing this week. Those moments feel stolen, but a I am grateful for them. And Jack? We used to cook with each other all the time before Bella. It was our time to do something together, to talk through the events of the day, to share that book, to just be. There is something very intimate about cooking together. Perhaps it is the complicated dance of working together in a small kitchen or the holding out of a spoon full of cheesecake batter offering a taste of something sweet, waiting for the other person to trustingly take what you offer. It could be foreplay, but it doesn't have to be. It is more. It is closeness and sharing of words and space, though the proximity of a kiss is nothing to pass up either.
Today we will be off to Loco for dinner with my family. Since some of my siblings have to work Friday and Saturday, Rubilee graciously said she didn't mind if we had dinner with her on the weekend instead of on Thanksgiving day. We missed Christmas dinner last year because of the snow storm so I am overdue for some Wilson holiday chaos. It will also be the first holiday and family gathering since Tuck and Lex got married. I am really excited to go tomorrow. I hope you are all
with the ones you love. May our words be patient and gentle. May we soak up life. May we laugh and tell stories. May we be a thankful. May we love.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately
Whenever Jack leaves for the week, there is an out of joint feeling in the house. The balance is off as we adjust to the house being a third quieter, a third less funny, sweet and witty, a third less everything. I wouldn't say melancholy, though last time Bell did have a full blown melt down at bed time.
Today when he left, the air was balmy, almost spring like, even though things are turning rapidly from red and gold to dusty browns. Too nice of a day to spend inside moping in front of the TV, too nice to let Bell waste knowing that cold days are around the corner.
Last week Bell and I went to the woods for an armload of grapevine and Jack Dear showed me how to make wreaths. Today, in our rubber boots (stickers don't stick into them like tennis shoes), we girls trooped down the hill and across the lake dam to the woods beyond in search of everything from grasses to leaves to dried berries for wreath decorating. Bell divided her time in wading in the edge of the water, managing not to get in deeper than her boots until the end, and in being my eagle eye spotting the best leaves and acorns. We explored the old fish camp, spied on turtles, watched fish jumping, all while trying not to spook the ducks hanging out in the north neck of the lake.
All the while, Thoreau kept whispering in my head. My kids always scoff a bit when I teach him. They are unconvinced, they do not relate to a "barbaric yawp." As I pulled down fat clusters of berries from a green briar, I felt like this was living, this enjoying of the day with my blond fearless leader, not just watching the lake from the house, but being down here in the sun and the water and the woods.
I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close.
Perhaps the problem is the my kids don't go out and just look and listen. I know have hunters in class, but do they ever go into nature to just be, without needing to kill something? I know they go to lakes, but are they ever peaceful, or just partying?
Whether my kids ever get it or not, days like today are good for my soul. We managed to stay out for at least 2 hours, stopping on the way home at Grandma's for a snack and a visit. As much as I loved being in the woods, what I needed the most was time with Bell. There were no spelling words, no hustling off to soccer practice, no fussing about chores. Just us. No hash words or whining. Just the sound of the fish splashing, the birds calling, and the wind in the trees.
Today when he left, the air was balmy, almost spring like, even though things are turning rapidly from red and gold to dusty browns. Too nice of a day to spend inside moping in front of the TV, too nice to let Bell waste knowing that cold days are around the corner.
Last week Bell and I went to the woods for an armload of grapevine and Jack Dear showed me how to make wreaths. Today, in our rubber boots (stickers don't stick into them like tennis shoes), we girls trooped down the hill and across the lake dam to the woods beyond in search of everything from grasses to leaves to dried berries for wreath decorating. Bell divided her time in wading in the edge of the water, managing not to get in deeper than her boots until the end, and in being my eagle eye spotting the best leaves and acorns. We explored the old fish camp, spied on turtles, watched fish jumping, all while trying not to spook the ducks hanging out in the north neck of the lake.
All the while, Thoreau kept whispering in my head. My kids always scoff a bit when I teach him. They are unconvinced, they do not relate to a "barbaric yawp." As I pulled down fat clusters of berries from a green briar, I felt like this was living, this enjoying of the day with my blond fearless leader, not just watching the lake from the house, but being down here in the sun and the water and the woods.
I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close.
Perhaps the problem is the my kids don't go out and just look and listen. I know have hunters in class, but do they ever go into nature to just be, without needing to kill something? I know they go to lakes, but are they ever peaceful, or just partying?
Whether my kids ever get it or not, days like today are good for my soul. We managed to stay out for at least 2 hours, stopping on the way home at Grandma's for a snack and a visit. As much as I loved being in the woods, what I needed the most was time with Bell. There were no spelling words, no hustling off to soccer practice, no fussing about chores. Just us. No hash words or whining. Just the sound of the fish splashing, the birds calling, and the wind in the trees.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Soap Box
This page is my space to get down my thoughts and feelings about what is most important to me - family, hopes and dreams - sometimes it is a place to allow myself to be sad or angry, but I am not sure I have ever used this page to ask my friends to take political action.
This rant is primarily directed at Oklahoma, but other states have adopted similar measures, so don't discount this if you live afar.
Last week the official A-F ratings went out for schools. We knew they were coming, we had the scores, but finally the public could see the scores too. Elgin High got an A, as did the English Delartment itself (thanks to those fabulous ladies I work with). So I have nothing to complain about, right? Wrong. From the first day our score was given, it changed 5 times, bouncing from a mid A to low and gradually back to mid. Other schools had more changes. These scores were based on some real data and a lot of arbitrary data.
I say arbitrary because test scores are a fickle thing, especially when cut scores are manipulated unfairly. We don't know what the required score will be to pass until after the tests have been graded. Never mind that biology teachers recommended one score. The state went with a higher one. Test scores are fickle because they give you a snap shot of what a kid did on a computerized test after she had been testing for the better part of two weeks, after her computer had locked up and she sat there staring at it for an hour, after who knows what went on in her home that morning, after she worked until midnight at McDonalds to bring in the only money in her house, after she took care of a baby at 2 AM, after a friend died in a car wreck, after . . . , after . . . , after . Every one of those afters were actually true for students I administered a test to last spring. They are real and I am guessing that much worse real things happen in our students' lives every day.
There are a lot of things that happen in students' lives that cause them not to shine their brightest, no matter how much we teach, love, motivate, cajole, discipline. We have them part of the day and then someone else is supposed to be in charge. Supposed is the operative word here. Lots of kids live in homes where no is willing or able to be in charge.
So this A - F rating is based on a lot of things ranging from what courses we offer to our test scores. We bear a huge amount of responsibility, but we can not be entirely responsible when it comes to factors like attendance and scores. Top this off with the idea that now these scores will affect whether I receive all of my salary. I had to write a plan that stated what my goals were for my test scores. If the kids don't meet it, then I don't get paid as much. This is a pilot year thank goodness.
Sometimes kids shouldn't be responsible either. In the third grade, the new law is that students must pass a state test to get to go on to 4th grade. One test. No make up. No do over. How many 3rd grades are ready to understand the consequences of failing one test affecting their entire next year? They are little kids. They get upset and distracted by silly things like whether they got to sit in the blue chair or they had to sit in the ugly brown chair, like the kids who are already at recess, like they forgot their glasses at home. Last year Bell bombed a spelling test and said she didn't feel good. I made her stay at school because she wasn't running a fever, but she showed me. By bedtime she was at 103. You think she felt good? No, probably not, and she probably didn't do well partly because of that. It was only a spelling test, but what if it had been that 3rd grade test?
Do not get me wrong. Kids and schools and parents should be held accountable. Someone she should make sure we are working every single day in my room and not just watching movies. Someone should make sure we are discussing and doing leveled questions and analyzing and connecting, not just doing fill in the blank worksheets. Tests are important and they do have a place. However, when these scores start mattering so much that my eye twitches for the last 3 months of school or third grader who has made good grades all year but flopped on a test doesn't get to go on, this is a problem. When kids dread going to school and they are stressed out over grades and scores even though they are doing their best, this is a problem. When the kid who has made leaps and bounds of progress but has a learning disability won't get a diploma because he didn't make the cut score, this is a problem.
And why am I ranting at you? Because our government is largely responsible and we elected that government. Janet Baressi is unwilling to budge on these issues and just spends more money to develop more tests. Governor Fallin thinks schools and teachers should quit complaining or we should be penalized for our voice. Election year is right around the corner, but right now you can demand change by letting your voice be heard publicly and in letters to your senators and representatives. Even if you are a homeschool family, this will eventually affect you when this years students become next years employees and tax payers. It is your tax dollars that get spent in schools.
We should have high standards, but we should have reason and good judgment too.
This rant is primarily directed at Oklahoma, but other states have adopted similar measures, so don't discount this if you live afar.
Last week the official A-F ratings went out for schools. We knew they were coming, we had the scores, but finally the public could see the scores too. Elgin High got an A, as did the English Delartment itself (thanks to those fabulous ladies I work with). So I have nothing to complain about, right? Wrong. From the first day our score was given, it changed 5 times, bouncing from a mid A to low and gradually back to mid. Other schools had more changes. These scores were based on some real data and a lot of arbitrary data.
I say arbitrary because test scores are a fickle thing, especially when cut scores are manipulated unfairly. We don't know what the required score will be to pass until after the tests have been graded. Never mind that biology teachers recommended one score. The state went with a higher one. Test scores are fickle because they give you a snap shot of what a kid did on a computerized test after she had been testing for the better part of two weeks, after her computer had locked up and she sat there staring at it for an hour, after who knows what went on in her home that morning, after she worked until midnight at McDonalds to bring in the only money in her house, after she took care of a baby at 2 AM, after a friend died in a car wreck, after . . . , after . . . , after . Every one of those afters were actually true for students I administered a test to last spring. They are real and I am guessing that much worse real things happen in our students' lives every day.
There are a lot of things that happen in students' lives that cause them not to shine their brightest, no matter how much we teach, love, motivate, cajole, discipline. We have them part of the day and then someone else is supposed to be in charge. Supposed is the operative word here. Lots of kids live in homes where no is willing or able to be in charge.
So this A - F rating is based on a lot of things ranging from what courses we offer to our test scores. We bear a huge amount of responsibility, but we can not be entirely responsible when it comes to factors like attendance and scores. Top this off with the idea that now these scores will affect whether I receive all of my salary. I had to write a plan that stated what my goals were for my test scores. If the kids don't meet it, then I don't get paid as much. This is a pilot year thank goodness.
Sometimes kids shouldn't be responsible either. In the third grade, the new law is that students must pass a state test to get to go on to 4th grade. One test. No make up. No do over. How many 3rd grades are ready to understand the consequences of failing one test affecting their entire next year? They are little kids. They get upset and distracted by silly things like whether they got to sit in the blue chair or they had to sit in the ugly brown chair, like the kids who are already at recess, like they forgot their glasses at home. Last year Bell bombed a spelling test and said she didn't feel good. I made her stay at school because she wasn't running a fever, but she showed me. By bedtime she was at 103. You think she felt good? No, probably not, and she probably didn't do well partly because of that. It was only a spelling test, but what if it had been that 3rd grade test?
Do not get me wrong. Kids and schools and parents should be held accountable. Someone she should make sure we are working every single day in my room and not just watching movies. Someone should make sure we are discussing and doing leveled questions and analyzing and connecting, not just doing fill in the blank worksheets. Tests are important and they do have a place. However, when these scores start mattering so much that my eye twitches for the last 3 months of school or third grader who has made good grades all year but flopped on a test doesn't get to go on, this is a problem. When kids dread going to school and they are stressed out over grades and scores even though they are doing their best, this is a problem. When the kid who has made leaps and bounds of progress but has a learning disability won't get a diploma because he didn't make the cut score, this is a problem.
And why am I ranting at you? Because our government is largely responsible and we elected that government. Janet Baressi is unwilling to budge on these issues and just spends more money to develop more tests. Governor Fallin thinks schools and teachers should quit complaining or we should be penalized for our voice. Election year is right around the corner, but right now you can demand change by letting your voice be heard publicly and in letters to your senators and representatives. Even if you are a homeschool family, this will eventually affect you when this years students become next years employees and tax payers. It is your tax dollars that get spent in schools.
We should have high standards, but we should have reason and good judgment too.
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