For some reason this fall which I soooo looked forward to has just blown chunks to quote Jack Dear.
I think am still so stressed about work that I am stressed about things I cannot change. I know for certain that I am doing a good job of teaching with the sophomores. We have done so much more writing that is more academic and less personal, unlike last year. We are starting a big project in a week that I am doing jointly with other classes . . really out of my comfort zone though that is exactly why I am doing it. I need to push myself a bit more so I have agreed to do this project with the other sophomore teacher. My juniors started research for our big Great Americans paper last week. Guess what I get to spend my next month doing? I hate teaching research, but mostly because I dread the grading which starts a month from tomorrow. No matter what, I am in this never ending loop of crazy fast prepping-teaching-grading.
And somewhere the stress from the never ending loop is bleeding through into my own life. I should not fret about the garden dying with the frost. There really weren't that many tomatoes left and the pumpkin patch was a bust anyway. But I did fret. And I fret about Bell - she got glasses this week but it was a really weird diagnosis. My own body is just getting old or it has gone on strike because of stress. For weeks and weeks, I have agonized over the possibility of being pregnant again. Don't you dare snicker. I would just sit down and cry if it were true. It is not true, but this approaching 40 body has just decided to not behave any more in so many ways. I am doing weird things like staying the same weight with out dieting. I even sleep hard at night and that never happens . . . except when I was pregnant with Bell. I fretted and fretted about my hand . . .
And then days after the shots should have kicked in and I had resigned my self to surgery, I really began to pray about it. I just could not fathom the money and complications of surgery and asked for healing. It is not 100% better, but it only gets numb a few times a week. Still no strength or grip, but I can live with the current state for a long time.
I used to say that I worked best under stress. I would always pull things together and do well. I think I need to get back to everyday workouts instead of a few days a week. It was my chief stress reliever the past few years. I think all that stress is overrated. The school stuff will get done . . . Or it won't. I will grow pumpkins next year. And I will get old. In the meantime, I hope this wrinkle preventing cream I bought works.
Isn't there a movie about a woman thinking she was going into menopause, but instead found out she was pregnant? I'm snickering a little. But seriously, it's one step at a time. Take a breath and cut yourself a little slack. You're doing fine.
ReplyDeleteFather of the Bride Part 2. That's the movie.
ReplyDeleteYes, what Cindy said. Take a breath. You know that daily exercise works for you. Plug that in somewhere. But it's going to take deciding to put yourself first in some time that you are not doing that, so be prepared.
This was the best preparation for you as a future farmer of america. Heh! You didn't lose the farm. Literally or figuratively. There wasn't that much produce out there. You learned some hard lessons about the weather and know what to do next year. That's the thing with farming...you have to get really used to saying "Next year..."
You're doing this right, friend. You are. You are taking risks and leaping and landing on your old ass feet just fine.
:-)