A little spoiled

This morning as I type, I sit on the back porch.  There is an absolute cacophony in the trees.  I can't see the birds, but I hear a whipporwhill who is up late.  There is a woodpecker.  The rest I can't identify, but they are chatty this morning.  As it gets hot, they will settle down, but for now there is a gentle breeze and it is glorious.

I had thought to go for a run - I have sworn I will get back in that routine - but I need Jack to mow a path through pasture and over the lake dam for me.  Now the weeds and grass are knee deep and wet from dew.  Instead, I opted for a cup of good coffee and the back porch.  The humming bird feeder is a few feet away.  They were miffed with me at first, but have decided that they can breakfast even with me here.    The herbs are wafting over their damp early morning smells . . . idyllic.

I am feeling pretty spoiled these days.  I had worried that Jack would be gone so much that we would never see him with this new job, but so far - fingers crossed, knock on wood - it is going well.  He has a job that pays bills.  We are starting to make a little headway in getting out of debt again.  At the same time, he is home enough that Bell and I don't feel too lonely.  He has managed to be home enough to still get the yard mowed.  Thursday he went and bought groceries so I wouldn't have to.  When he is home, he plays laundry fairy and helps get some of that  stuff done that he did over the winter when he was home.  Last weekend, he dealt with leak in the fridge.  Today he will work a miracle on my vacuum cleaner.  He is doing more than his fair share.

I saw a beautiful necklace last week and commented on it, just in admiration, not hinting.  It, of course, showed up in a little box at our house on Mother's Day.  We have never made a big deal of those consumer driven days, Valentine's, Mother's Day, etc., instead just doing nice things for each other when we wanted, as we could afford them.  I fussed a little at his extravagance, but he doesn't buy things often and it is so lovely.  

Some women expect a pretty box and flowers at every turn.  But I have always thought I was spoiled in other more important ways.  Those boxes are grand, but in reality, the help with cooking, laundry, the kid, the groceries - all that matters far more.  The shoulder offered every night to curl up on and the kiss good bye every morning, the appreciative eyes that follow me around the house and the catching of bugs with the kid - that is stuff that makes my life sweet.

Last week end, I was allowed to spend a ridiculous amount of money buying flowers and plants for the flower beds, beds that I am admiring as I sip my coffee.  Rubilee and Harold are feeling good, so there is no rush or stress there.  have a Bountiful Basket to go pick up in a couple of hours, but for the moment, I am just going to enjoy the morning, the birds and the coffee, and that roll of thunder far off in the distance . . . Spoiled woman that I am.

Watching My Mom

I have never thought it was much of a big deal for anyone to tell me "happy Mother's Day," and perhaps it is because I just think we should be more grateful for our mothers all the time.  But life has a way of getting busy and things get left unsaid, and I know I don't let my own dear mamma know nearly often enough how much of a difference she makes.

If I started in listing all mamma's great deeds, well, we 'd need bifocals before this blog was over.  My  mom is not the sort who attended every speech contest or came to junior high ball games.  She always had a passel of other kids at home to take care of.  She found other, better ways to be supportive.  We always had a cooked from scratch supper (and often breakfast too).  Our clothes were always clean.  She played with us on rainy days and taught us read.   Even though she didn't make most of those never ending school events, she always came through if I truly needed her to, whether it was taking a nervous 18 year old to state speech finals or helping a stubborn 26 year old plant grass so she could get married in the back yard and then making that girl's wedding dress when she didn't find one to buy.


  She wasn't a stay at home most of my growing up years, but she managed so much "housewife" work in the hours between getting home from work and going back again.  Once again, it isn't that she did so much, but the grace with which did it.  My mom doesn't go in for whining, complaining, or drama.  She doesn't walk around with her mouth set in grim lines.  Instead she does her best to make our home a place of love and gentleness.  Perhaps that is the greatest lesson I learned  from her.  Attitude.  There have been so many times when lesser women would have thrown in the towel or marched around the house making sure that everyone else was as unhappy as she was.  But she doesn't.

These days, mamma spends as much time being grandma as she does mom.  When Bell came along, she stayed with my mom when I went back to work.  Now she takes care of my brother's little ones.  My little sis is a senior and graduating, and though she and my youngest brother who is 20 will still be at home, they don't need her to do all the little day to day mom things.  Now she does the theoretical mom things, like help us navigate college and career and spouse choices.

I know that I am not very maternal.  I fiercely love Bell, but I have to work at the mom thing.  I don't know if it came natural to my mom or not.  If not, she must be the most dedicated woman in the world, because we all grew up thinking she liked to play candy land and monopoly, picking plums and swimming, sewing our clothes and cooking our meals.  We all grew up confident and assured that we were loved and would be taken care of.  And even though I am a grown girl and a mamma myself, I still know that she would move heaven and earth for me and mine.

Little Sister Not So Little

one of my favs, even though not the best of the day

I know I have written here about my little sis before and since she is graduating this month, I am sure I will again in the coming weeks.

Rachel is almost 20 years younger than me.  She was born the summer I came home after my freshman year of college.  She was more like a pet when she was little, but the older she gets, the more we have in common and enjoy about each other.

She finally got her braces off last week and asked me to take her senior pictures.  We were under the gun on time because the deadline for her senior slide show is this coming Sunday.   I might should have been nervous because I am not the photographer in the family.  That is Jack's title.  I have never shot anything important.  But here is the deal.  My sis has never been comfortable in front of a camera.  She is shy.  Really shy with people she doesn't know.  At times she has lacked confidence about her appearance because she is really tall, 5'11", and towers over everyone.  She has gone through the typical gawky stages, but has come out a beauty and doesn't know it.  Anyway.  Shy means she isn't comfortable with most men taking her picture so I got to be the lucky one.

Lucky, lucky, lucky.  That is said with not a drop of sarcasm because we had fun.  She has found a grace and confidence in the last few months, letting her have fun with the pictures.  She smiled with out being asked.  She held shoulders back and looked unfalteringly into the camera.  We shot with my favorite wooden chair, on an old tractor, against trees and vine covered walls, astride fences, and with feet in the lake.  We shot till she was worn out.

They weren't perfect.  Thanks to my janky  hand, I shook a lot and cut the top of her head off occasionally.  I didn't know to have her dip her chin down at times and we had a few light issues.  But a lot of those pictures were really beautiful - it was if we both just knew what to do and it was perfect.

I just had so fun much taking her pictures and am relieved that there are shots she can be proud to show off.  At the same time, I just can't believe she is this big.  Doesn't seem like it should be so.

Feeling Like an Owl with Friends

I know some of my non-Elgin friends always ask how the year is going with the new school, new faces, new everything.  I remember after first semester, my friend Misti said, "It has been a beast, hasn't it?"  And in so many ways it had.  I spent that first semester feeling overwhelmed with new policies, new names for policies I had at Comanche, not really knowing anyone well, a kid who was so bad I thought Jack would harm him, my own kid miserable.  It was just rough and it was certainly not due to my co-workers who were nice and friendly; it was just rough.

We are almost to the end of another semester and I can say it hasn't been a beast at all.  When someone asks where I am from, I don't still automatically say Comanche.  I had been there for 12 years and it was a hard habit to break.  I think some of it has to do with the removal of two particularly challenging students from my class, including the one Jack wanted  to harm.

Most of it has to do with my co-workers who are sliding over into being friends.  A few months ago, a bunch of the ladies went to dinner one night.  I had been invited before, but this is the first time I had gotten to go.  Amy brought me a bag of citrus that her family couldn't consume fast enough.  Kelli made a Facebook post wishing us well on our EOI tests.  Lori kindly let me ride with her on a first grade field trip.  Suzanne takes the cake though because she took my kid for an evening so Jack and I could have a date night last night.  That was huge - we have had no Bell free time since we moved almost a year ago.  All of these things sound so small, but they aren't small and they aren't the only ones.  They are all gestures of friendship, of kindness, of acceptance.  These women have all made a point to let me in the circle in so many ways, whether it just the "good mornings" in the hall or bringing me lunch when someone makes a Somic run.

I wasn't scared to come to Elgin, but I was was so sad about leaving my old crowd.  I still miss the lunch bunch.  I want to hear about their children and grandchildren and motorcycles and . . . and. . .


Even though I still miss them, I am so grateful for these women who let the new girl in.  It matters so very much.

So Deeply Thankful

I type this with one hand tonight because the othe one is scratching lazy circles on a small pink clad back of a drifting off to sleep little girl.

I  wanted to submit a LTYM piece to Misti about our lives as parents - I wrote off and on for two weeks, but the words never gelled. Sometimes they just don't and I always figure those are the ones that just aren't meant to be.

This moment, this is the essence of it all, the essence that couldn't be captured with words.  It doesn't matter that she had a melt down in the school hallway last week over a torn paper flower.  It doesn't matter that she always looks like a ragamuffin because she won't do more than brush her hair.  It matters that every night, she still wants me to read to her, even though she can read to herself.  It matters that I can't wait to see her after school.  It matters that when she can't sleep, she asks if she can can snuggle up with me in her bed . . . Just until she drifts off.

We have good days - the last two have been like living with a small grown up who is well adjusted, eats what I cook, and is kind and helpful.  But oh my, there are days.  Believe me, she and I are too alike not to clash.  But at the end of the day, every day, she is my wee bitty girl and I am just so very thankful for this one life I have with her and Jack dear.

I seem to spend a lot of time in my head these days just so very glad for them.  If you've someone to love, kiss them and be thankful.

Stay Home Day

Elgin schools budgeted two inclement weather days into our calendar . . . Which we didn't use . . . Which means that last Friday and today, Bell and I are enjoying some time off.

Poor kid.  We have had a 4 day weekend and this is the first day she is going to really get to kick back.  We had a grocery/errand day in Lawton.  We had a "go see the great grandparents" and buy trees day.  Yesterday, all three of us made it to church - I needed it.  Seems like since February we have been sporadic about church.  Either someone has been sick or we have been gone.  The bottom line, though, is that this is the first day we have really just been home.

Today?  Well, I need to do some checkbook balancing and bill paying.  Laundry.  Housework.

Isabella has never  learned to ride her bike.  She took a few spills and got scared.  We got a helmet this weekend and I told her I would take her to the park where there is a nice paved path.  Maybe if she can get the hang of riding on smooth pavement, she can ride around here on the farm.

We have a few errands around here.  I need go get Rubilee's paper this morning and check in with her, see if Harold's feeling better today.  Yesterday was not a good day for him.  I am supposed to make the 10 minute drive to Fletcher this evening and take Huxley and Rubilee's dog to the rabies shots clinic.  It is easier than going to the vet during the week and they are due for boosters.

What I really want to do is plant my tomatoes.  Jack and have grown some really beautiful tomato and pepper plants, but the low for Tuesday is 36.  Not freezing, but too close for comfort so we will wait a few more days.  I am tempted to replant my lettuces and greens.  I planted them last weekend, but so far there are no signs of life.  I fear the 4 plus inches of rain during Wednesday's storm washed my seeds away.  I also want to go get more trees (but I won't since I promised Bell a day at home). We have some shade on the sides of the house and in the back, but the front bakes; yesterday I planted a bald cypress and a sycamore.  Maybe by the time we are old and feeble, we can sit in the shade.  I know there are other faster growing trees, but they weren't to be found for sale around here.  I also want to plant more in the orchard.  "Orchard" is a loose term.  When Jack's grandparents were here, there was an orchard, but all there is now is one dead apricot and one half dead apricot. Yesterday it expanded to include two peach and two cherry trees.  Now, I just need apricot, fig, apple, . . .  Someday, I want more trees than that so I can sell at a market, but this is the orchard just for us.  Maybe Jack dear will pick up more trees if he gets time this week.

Ah . . . Jack Dear.  In case you wondering, his first week at BK was a good one.  This past week, he mostly power washed radiators on Frac trucks.  This was a novel experience I am sure.  You see, Jack has some sort of energy field that repels dirt.  In all the years I have known him, I bet I have only seen him truly filthy a handful of times.  Not when he mows.  Not when he had to dig out a waterline.    But power washing?  Oh my.  It felt good to not be the messy one for once.  He spent a few nights away.  He enjoyed the crew he worked with.  Bell was fine and didn't fuss once.  Really the only issue was keeping Harold's medication sorted out.  Gotta do better there, in getting Rubilee and Harold to let me step in.

So today Jack was off to work.  He thought he might be working locally today so we might see him tonight.  Bell and I and are going to putter, soak up some sun, and enjoy this spring day.  The cold comes back to tomorrow, as does school.

Good Bye, Normalcy. Hello, Drastic Changes

My friend Cindy made a comment in her blog that she didn't have anything new to say.  That is where I have been for almost a month.  At work I am frantically trying to get in all the review I think the kids need.  I have exactly 5 days of class before the big state tests start for the English department.  I have taught all year; free days don't exist in my room . . . But perhaps we shouldn't have written one essay and done another instead.  Perhaps we should have reviewed singular indefinite pronoun agreement again.  I still have 10th graders writing 5th grade essays.

 But this isn't new or exciting - just tiring.

Here is something new.  I have prayed all winter that if Jack is supposed to just take care of his folks, then a financial solution would appear.  If he were to work, then a job needed to be found.  Doors need to open.  Peace needed to be given.

Last week, out of the blue, an old friend called to see if Jack was interested in a job.  The plus side is that we could possibly be out of debt in a year if we are careful.  We could afford a short trip somewhere.  We could have some work done on the car.  There are other things on the money list that would be an option, things we keep postponing or categorizing as luxuries.  We also like the boss.  That always helps.

There is a downside.  There is always a downside.  He will be driving a lot and sitting a lot.  He does better, mentally and physically, when he is active.  He definitely smokes less and is happier.  He will be gone from home often for several days at a time.  When he is home, he is effectively on call.  That may mean that it is hard to take little short trips even.  It is highly likely that he will work weekends and holidays.  His day will often start in the wee hours or end in the wee hours or both.

Jack is worried about my ability to juggle vehicles, animals, a kid, and two sick, old people and still manage work.  I am a slightly worried, but I am pretty sure I will manage.  There might be colorful expletives involved.  I am almost sure there will be moments of fear and desperation and probably even tears.  But I will make sure that a little girl is loved, that the tires are aired up, that the folks are looked after.

Bell. . . Well, there will definitely be tears on her part.  She offered to give up directv and her allowance if he would stay home.  She is a daddy's girl and will be crushed.  Definitely tears.

I can't ask him not to take it.  It is a hard thing for a man to not have a job.  I can't tell him to take it.  It is a hard thing for a man like him to not see his family, especially his little girl, for days on end.

All I can do is pray for his safety. Pray that we be blessed.  That if this is the answer, the way be made smooth and peace given.  If it is not the answer, may God show us the answer.  All I can do is be supportive and love this man I married.